This is blog no. 3 in our 6-week series on How to survive (and even thrive) parenting your child with neurodevelopmental differences. As you embark on the journey of understanding what is going on for your child, the focus tends to be on their deficits, problems or ‘what is wrong’.  You may feel at a loss as to why your child is not responding to your parenting efforts or why they are not able to fit-in or cope in everyday situations. The opinions and expectations of family, friends, educators and even strangers can feel heavy on your shoulders. This can be an overwhelming experience and rarely provides a helpful way forward. You soon learn that you need a new way of understanding your child and parenting. Parenting a child with neurodevelopmental differences takes a customised approach It takes openness and flexibility to leave behind your expectations and assumptions about child rearing (and those of others) and delve into finding a way that works for your unique child and family. Yet at the same time, your child shares the same needs as other kids – to feel understood and validated, to be supported with big feelings, and given opportunities to explore, learn, fail and grow in a safe space. So how do I find what works for my child? Cultivating curiosity toward your child’s experience, perspective and needs can have a dramatic effect on how you feel, respond and relate to your child. It means identifying not only your child’s areas of difficulty but their areas of strength and unique character traits that will help them to thrive. When you understand that ‘problematic’ behaviour is usually reflective of a situation or developmental challenge that your child is not yet able to manage effectively on their own, you can see it as an opportunity to connect with and support your child to learn. It’s with this information that you can make more confident decisions about how you respond and how you can best support your child to grow.

Becoming a detective will help you uncover the truth about your child’s behaviour and needs.

‘Listening’ to clues about what your child’s behaviour is telling you and ‘looking’ for their strengths, can guide how you can best respond to help them to learn and thrive. Six questions to take you from frustration to connection Next time your child is struggling, not acting how you expect, or having an angry outburst, pause and wonder about the answers to these questions. You may even ask your child directly:

• What are you feeling and what is this like for you?

What emotion is your child expressing or trying to manage right now? Often behaviours of concern reflect a difficulty to regulate or process feelings such as disappointment, excitement, frustration, anxiety, tiredness or sadness.

• What do you need to feel calm and safe?

If you child is anxious or dysregulated, they are less likely to be able to engage in problem solving or have a communicate effectively with you. Be curious and explore what your child needs to feel safe and calm.

• How can I help you?

Is this situation demanding skills or abilities that your child has not yet mastered? What would they need in order to be more successful at this time? They may need help but are not sure how to ask for this. How can you adjust the situation or task to make it easier for your child to cope or achieve?

• What strengths or superpower could we call upon right now to get through this?

What strengths or interests can be drawn upon to help your child navigate the situation or learn this new concept? Is there another way to present this situation or demand that best fits with their strengths and abilities? If you have not thought about your child’s strengths before, check out the VIA strengths survey for children via the positive psychology webpage of Penn University for some ideas.

• What helps you feel at your best and lights you up?

Has your child had opportunity to engage in what lights them up, or helps them feel good? What helps them to stay at their best? We all feel depleted or resentful if when faced with multiple stressors or demanding situations, or not given time to do the things that help us relax, feel good and have a sense of mastery.

• Can I show you another way?

Consider what would being successful or a more helpful response would look like in this situation. Model, use visual cues, or offer another way for your child to respond or communicate their needs in this situation.

Try it for yourself Imagine how you would feel if someone paused to wonder or ask these questions of you when you are feeling overwhelmed, struggling with a task, or have made a mistake. What about if you talked to yourself this way?  Compare this to being criticised, dismissed or judged.  Just like your child, I bet you would feel more accepted, safe to express yourself in more helpful ways, and be more open to learning and seeking help. Be patient, this is an evolving process Don’t be concerned if you can’t answer these questions for your child right now. This just shows you where you may need to look closer and is part of the journey of getting to know your unique child. It takes time, mistakes along the way, and re-adjustment as your child grows and situations change.

By shifting toward a mind-set of curiosity, you will continue to find answers and opportunities for growth – and importantly – have a much more meaningful and confident parenting experience along the way.

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Stay tuned for blog 4 in this series where we discuss how to work collaboratively and get the most out of your child’s support team. Remember to join our monthly newsletter to stay in touch with our community and to receive free downloadable products. Get more ideas about how to thrive parenting your child with neurodevelopmental differences at our parent workshops and support group. It’s a great way to get useful insights, resources and meet other parents on a similar journey.